What would it take for you to believe in a miracle? Would writing in the clouds make you believe? Or have you been fooled one too many times by bad faith evangelists? Do you need a subtle miracle, like a note passed under the table? Or, happily taking the note, would you dismiss it because of its subtlety? I have been asking myself these questions for the past two years.

When that bus sighed to a stop ahead of me, Jesus stepped out. Do not ask me how I knew, but he is the kind of man that does not have to introduce himself. His face was not handsome and he was wearing blue jeans.

When I got close enough my legs started to buckle and my insides went to water, but some outside force walked me to him. I had a flash of those feet like bronze and hair aflame, but then he hugged me and took me on the bus. His hands felt like space heaters on my back, and they burned up the tightness that had been there for ten years. He waved away my attempt at thanks and herded me on.

The bus smelled like ancient wood and the prophet Jeremiah, and suddenly it was not a bus at all, because buses do not fly. We shot up over the earth until it winked into a blue dot in the sun and then the sun was a dot and we were over the Milky Way and Andromeda and time stretching across eternity.

When I was in college I scribbled together a list of questions that I would ask God when I got to heaven. I thought about them a long time and thought the answers would give me a pretty good idea of the meaning of human life and what it means to be great. But those questions seemed like silly, dirty things in the light of Jesus's eyes burning with the fire of every star in super nova. I wondered how I was not dead.

“It's not heaven,” he said.

“Oh,” I mouthed.

“It's just one of my favorite spots.”

Jesus looked at the universe like he was supremely content with his reflection. I gazed in the same direction and we sat there for seconds and millennia. The universe was beautiful and it was good, and the stars burned into my mind. There was no mortal fog to cloud my sight, and I saw smaller than quantum and larger than galactic at the same time, but there was no time. It was a beautiful pattern of force, disembodied from time like an out of place memory. In spite of it all I wanted to know why.

Jesus chuckled the way I used to laugh at my baby when she ran around the house naked. “That is a silly question,” he said, and pointed at the Milky Way and then we were there, over the earth. We were on the dark side, but there were no city lights. The sun was red and a dragon-snake was wrapped around the earth, jaw breaking open, trying to swallow it like an egg.

If I could explain the look on Jesus's face I would, but whatever it was it flattened me with sorrow and wrath. His appearance was like lightning and his clothes were white as snow.

Then I saw shapes moving over the surface of the earth like little beetles, and the snake lifted its head and saw Jesus. I thought it might try to flee, but its tongue flicked in and out and the beetles gathered to it. The light around Jesus also burned brighter as the host joined him and their white, clear light illuminated the dull red solar system and flashed the snake. His body was covered in eyes and congealed masses of growing heads and body parts that, were I not next to Jesus, could have swallowed my soul.

The two hosts faced each other, then charged. The beetles lurched through space ahead of the unfurling snake and the angels met them. I could only tell the beetles by what they obscured, like gnats in front of a lamp as the angel-swords flashed against the swarming and Jesus and the snake flying to the fray and the Morning Star blazing, flinging the snake's burning husk into the sun. Then Jesus smiled at me and the earth and sent me back.

Now as I stare at these words on the paper I know that no one will believe me. To you, I am smaller than one of these motes glowing in the ray that is sparkling my glass on the table. But if you had experienced this miracle as I have, and it had the solid quality of an undeniable memory that cannot be dismissed as dream (my back and neck still have no pain) – would you believe?

#fiction #experimental #Jesus

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“And a leper came” it's my own fault for being contagious. Skin melts off and corrupts. Can't go near a soul even my own. Don't touch me give me food maybe some figs. Living on the outside as a curse. Afraid of me because I am visible. Blame me for your problems push me out. Sin smells like me so you keep me far from you so as not to remind you of your faults. I'm too painful for you but I can't feel a thing nerves all dead except for shame.

Shame, shame, shame on the human race. I'm just the manifestation of our curse. Why do I have to bear it while you get to deny it and dull the sense of it with take care of the kids and plant the seeds mend shoes make enough coins maybe to spend it with friends drinking wine take it easy on Saturday? Sure you feel it sometimes crops won't grow died in childbirth stubbed a toe lost in the war but I bear it in my skin and everyone hates me you don't have to do that. I blame myself everyone else does starting to think hope is a myth.

Better go to the temple need to eat to survive but I don't really want to. Not coward enough to kill myself how would I do it anyway can't hold a thing with a claw hand. I'll just exist like a lump of curse maybe I'll inspire you to fear God maybe that's my purpose to be a warning. Better obey Him or you'll become feet swelling pain at first but goes away nose shaved off maybe lose a hand or a foot concentrate to breathe. Leper. Better not sin or “to Jesus,”

Jesus who's that keep hearing that name. Demon prophet god healer heretic. You should see him what's the point probably just another lunatic from Nazareth that tiny town. Might be interesting though to see him hear what he has to say. Healer could he heal me? No stop best not get my hopes up. Talking about the kingdom of heaven can't make sense of it but it burns me haven't felt like this in a long time. Repent kingdom of heaven is near he says. Near? Where? I can't see it but I can feel it breaking through the clouds pushing out of my heart like a needle. This world is all wrong topsy turvy but heaven sets it right. Is he crazy but he answers all of them all the doubts and burns them up. Brood of vipers woe to them he's right about that never did anything for me. I watch them all the time and I see what no one else sees because they don't notice me. Don't notice while they take the coins from the people doing the work that keeps the sun turning while they sit there telling them what to do praying on the corners right in front of me without seeing me thanking God they're not like me brood of vipers get what's coming to them.

Blessed are the poor not sure I understand that but I want to says the kingdom could be mine. Repent kingdom is near want to believe. Leave it all behind be healed and not have to slough skin crawling through the streets for a handful of figs Jesus Jesus of Nazareth can he hear me? I've never believed in anyone can't remember the last time I had hope “beseeching” but if there's an un-corrupted soul pure mighty righteous morning star shining in this tainted broken infected stinking bloody angry darkened world yours is the one shining like fired bronze a brand in the night star in the sky light in my life. If you can't heal me no one else will but I don't know why you would want to no one else does but you can do it if you're willing, loving, compassionate, caring enough powerful enough true son of God savior messiah walking on the earth willing to heal a wretched shriveled up burning angry mess of flesh bag of meat sordid pile of stinking human corpse remains barely breathing enough to keep sinning Jesus Jesus Jesus why please if you want to willing to heal make me better not what I am show me the way light at the tunnel inhale illuminate the perspective change the game the night to day stone to flesh please willing are you are you willing I'll do anything just to I'm breaking down “falling on his knees” can't live without you in my life please say yes if you're willing are you? Are you willing?

Can't really see what's on His face did He hear? Wait He's what He- Stop! Don't touch me! You'll be tainted sickened infected why can't I move or say a thing He's just reaching “moved with compassion” no! Hand on my shoulder feels like home warm my mother's womb father's proud of me. I shouldn't let Him do it but I can't move He heard me and everyone is watching what's He going to do or say?

“I am willing; be cleansed.”

Healed! Healed healed healed healed what's that He's saying? Healed! Can't really heal Him over the din of limbs and face made whole I'm better- says not to tell anyone- healed! Right I'll remember “to the priest” healed! I'm going to tell the whole town whole world that I'm healed there's a man named Jesus of Nazareth and He healed me I'm not sick never going to be a leper again! Supposed to testimony but I'm healed! Look He's over there with disciples yeah remember me my face looks different now because it's healed. Yes! He's over there His name is Jesus of Nazareth see Him over there oh well just ask and you'll find Him hard to miss maybe at the temple supposed to Moses but look I'm healed walking like its nothing see? Got my arm back! Proclaim in the market in the synagogue supposed to in the streets- healed! Go find him Jesus of Nazareth you know? He healed me! Yes that's Him can't miss Him He touched me and healed me and I'm not a leper. Healed! Healedhealealedheallledealedeallleeed...

Now the whole town knows “to such an extent that Jesus could no longer publicly enter a city, but stayed out in unpopulated areas; and they were coming to Him from everywhere.”

#fiction #experimental #Jesus

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So God said to Jonah, “Are you really so very angry about the little plant?” And he said, “I am as angry as I could possibly be!” The Lord said, “You were upset about this little plant, something for which you did not work, nor did you do anything to make it grow. It grew up overnight and died the next day.”

— Jonah 4:9-10 NET

“I hate politics.”

“Politics are more polarized than ever.”

“America is divided.”

“I hate elections.”

“The government is corrupt.”

I have heard these ideas expressed every election year. It is true that 2020 is exceptional, but in reality every election is exceptional. Who can calculate all the factors and people that swirl in our country for four years? The United States government has endured civil war, depressions and even pandemics, and its people have endured far more.

Most Americans I know are simply trying to live, but a few I know are so concerned about the shade of the government that they are angry enough to die. True, despair is easier to slip into and dwell in now. We can surround ourselves with bad news that we will never be able to do anything about. We have the ability to ignore all who disagree and let the facts be interpreted for us.

It is tempting, isn't it? I can create a world where my assumptions are never challenged and my opinions are always right. It pleases my pride to overwhelm myself with evidence that the other side is wrong. I have access to the truly true secret knowledge that “they” REALLY don't want you to know. All I have to do is tap some shiny glass, but the other side of the glass isn't real.

What do you believe in? Where is your hope? How much does the president mean to you? How much does he really effect you? When do you interact with the government? Do you really think that electing one person can solve all your problems? Can you be distilled into a binary choice? How many lives are you willing to sacrifice to be proven right? What have you done to make this country and this government? What do you owe it? What does it owe you? What is the government responsible for? What should it be responsible for?

These questions have been stewing since 2016. The only one I can answer definitively is the first one, but Jonah and his plant have helped clarify how I value politics:

I believe that America's system of checks and balances is a brilliant idea. I think it is about as good as we can do on earth. I am thankful to live in the United States, but I did not plant it or make it grow. I did not help write the Constitution or sign the Declaration of Independence. All I have done is live here. American government and its relative stability has been a shade over my head, and like Jonah I was once very delighted with it.

The shade seemed to wither in 2016 (though for others it might have seemed to strengthen), but now on the eve of an election I am reminded that my hope is eternal and that this world will pass away. I voted and I care very much who wins, but I do not care about it more than you or my family or Jesus. I want to devote myself to good policies over parties and to people over politics because the people of America are far more influential than the president.

#nonfiction #essay #uspol #Jesus