June 2026 Update
To be no more; sad cure; for who would lose
Though full of pain, this intellectual being,
Those thoughts that wander through eternity?Milton, Paradise Lost, II.145-50
We are finally at the end of the school year and I feel more like a defeated runner dragging themselves across the finish line than a triumphant victor. My emotional stamina, whether depleted by vice or by virtue, has been in question for some time now. But as we look towards the summer I am hopeful. There are good things in the future, and I am glad that I serve a good God, who wants to bring Love and Justice and Goodness to the world, in spite of our failings. And I am very glad that He does not value us based on money or status or achievement. I have been brought face to face with my pessimism and pride, and it is painful; like losing a layer of skin. I am going to try to change. And remember that art is fun.
Writing
I have been writing. Not as much as I would like, but progress is progress. I hope I can find more time this summer. If I can plan to get up earlier it would be great to have some routine. To be honest (and what is the point of this if I am not honest?), my passion for writing has not carried me far enough. I am really going on faith. I believe the passion will come back, but I don't think that is uncommon with creative work. A great deal of writing happens away from the page. Virginia Woolf, for example, wrote in her diary about the books she had to be reading while working on a particular project. The imagination must be always working on problems and possibilities. I have also been plagued by a great deal of self doubt lately, and whether or not I am making a fool of myself by publishing things. That self-doubt is most likely due to insecurities and/or spiritual combat, but it definitely hurts me and creeps into all my other relationships. I know I shouldn't worry, but that is easier said than done, especially when the State of the World is added on top of everything else.
Substack
If you are reading this on Substack, cool! I made this decision the same way I made the decision to post on Medium. As always, write.as/hdansin is the definitive home for my words, and subscribing here is the best way to stay up to date. However, write.as does not have very good “discovery” features, and it seems like more and more writers are finding audiences on Substack. There are also a lot of public intellectuals/writers I respect on it. In an ideal world I would not have to maintain my work across multiple platforms (the copy/paste fatigue is real), but here we are. I don't really believe in paywalls, so all my work (except for the books I'm working on) will continue to be posted here for free. The only paywalled content I am considering posting on Substack are audio recordings of me reading some of my essays, if I get around to producing them; and pictures of some of my handwritten drafts/song lyrics.
Here are the links: Substack | Medium | Buy Me a Coffee
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Music
I have been playing, and I usually enjoy it, but once again self doubt hits me here. I sometimes feel that I play too much when I play. I don't use enough restraint and my notes mean less. Guitar is something of an outlet for me, so there is a sense in which my playing reflects my internal state. I have not been doing as much intentional practice, which I should really get back to. I've also not made any more progress on recording Lit Songs, which will hopefully change this summer. I did get together with a couple of friends to jam, and it was a lot of fun.
Podcast
I should also put a note here, and say that Eric and I finally launched a Patreon for out podcast!
https://www.patreon.com/cw/RaiseaGlass2012
It actually has a lot of content for paid subscribers, so if you want to support me/us and get some more things in return than warm fuzzies and my eternal thanks, it is a great way to do it. We have some fun plans for the next season.
Reading
As you can see I finally started reading Paradise Lost. It has been on my list for a while now because it shaped C.S. Lewis and Tolkien and is a Big Important Epic Poem. It is very good, but I do not love it quite as much as the Iliad. The whole thing so far is about Satan, and definitely romanticizes him. I can really see how C.S. Lewis's Perelandra is kind of a response, and even a critique of the “heroism” that Milton infuses Satan with. Yet there is truth here, and it is worth reading. I think it is fascinating in the beginning, when Satan says that their struggle (rebelling against God) has no other purpose than to rebel. They are evil not for evil's sake, but because God is good and they are opposed to God. If God were not good than they would not be opposed to goodness:
To do aught good never will be our task,
But ever to do ill our sole delight,
As being contrary to his high will
Whom we resist. If then his Providence
Out of our evil seek to bring forth good,
Our labour must be to pervert that end,
And out of good still to find means of evil,I.159-165
Milton is, I think, projecting the nature of our own Sin onto Satan. God's commands are good, if we follow them. The only reason we rebel is “just because” we want our own way. It is a fascinating way to engage with the story of Genesis. It has also inspired me to experiment with some different meters in my own poetry, and try something different besides iambic pentameter, to see what I come up with. Milton throws shade at rhyming in the preface. “…rhyme being no necessary adjunct or true ornament of poem or good verse… but the invention of a barbarous age, to set off wretched matter and lame metre.” That take is a bit silly, but there a great many children's books I've read which would have been better if the authors hadn't tried to force the rhymes. Dr. Seuss is an exception, and I think Shakespeare's sonnets will always work against Milton here. But I am inspired to try some new things with poetry.
I've been reading lots of other things. Finally finished book six of Wheel of Time. Still working through City of God. Read Alan Noble's new book To Live Well, as well as lots of Nathan Hale's Hazardous Tales. Blew through Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams in about two days. Listened to Daniel Handler's Poison for Breakfast. Despite all that I keep choosing video games and/or TV at night, and after I lay down and pick up my book I usually wish I had been reading – to say nothing of all the writing I could have been doing, and the sleep I am missing. But after making that list, I am realizing that I might be fixating on what I perceive as my vices, because I really do read a lot more than I watch.
I periodically update my reading, and post informal reviews on Bookwyrm
This summer I plan to limit screen time to the weekend, and try to keep a semi-regular “work” schedule. But I will also be applying to jobs for the fall and processing the end of my life as a “stay-at-home parent.” We can't really afford for me not to work, so I'll keep having to find ways to slot writing and everything else in between. I will also try to stop complaining about it. I am going to try and cherish this summer as much as possible.
As Lemony Snicket's librarian says, “keep reading.”
Thank you for reading! I greatly regret that I will most likely never be able to meet you in person and shake your hand, but perhaps we can virtually shake hands via my newsletter, social media, or a cup of coffee sent over the wire. They are poor substitutes, but they can be a real grace in this intractable world.
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